Every year. Every month. Every week. Every day. Every hour. Every minute. Every second. I come closer and closer into eternal darkness. Im not meant to be here. I wasn’t meant to be living the life I’m living. If there is a god or a greater being, why did you put me here? I’m not fit for this life. Time is expiring. No one would care and that’s the truth. Not her, not them, not nobody. No attachments make it better. You are born into the world alone. You will die alone. Soon nobody will help me in hell.
The number to life is 42. I don’t know how, I haven’t made sense of this. I know you can go google it or some shit but I feel like There’s more. Life=42. How can everything a human being endures in life just equal the number 42. Doesn’t make sense. But maybe I’m just over analyzing like I do with everyfuckingthing. I wish I didn’t think so much but then again I’d rather think then feel. I’m just rabbling, I wish I can write like I use to. I wish I can express myself so easily again, it made my life easier. But I can’t do that anymore. I just keep my thoughts bottled up and let them infect me. My subconscious thrives into my conscious and spreads its thoughts into a reality that I let it become. The thoughts of suicide become more persistent, they become more of a reality. I wish I was alone. It would be easier. No attachments. My thoughts, my being wouldn’t affect anyone but me. Why would I share my prison to the persons I care about. It’s ironic how “do it alone” just started playing. Can 42 be the answer?
Facebook has this feature where you can see your friendship with someone since like when you added them. I used it. I used it on a person that I regret as im writing this. But its regret for all the wrong reasons. I dont think its even right to use regret more like of a remorse kind of feeling. I saw that I was happy then, she made me happy. All these post. Those post broke me. She said i was the best guy in the whole world. She told me she liked me…. But thats all different now. She doesnt even notice me. She could care less if im stil breathing the same oxygen as her. She does not care anymore… My fucking embodiment still does. I go back at look at all the relationship i got into and see what went wrong. I think i know but i dont want to accept it. I dont want to believe that its my fucking mental that ruins everything i try to connect with. Even with friends im surprisingly still friends with today i see that shit was a lot more cooler and chill before. Saying shit like i missed you afterschool to Your a really really close friend of mine, i tell you EVERYTHING! and You help me out all the time when i need it, thanks for being there. Shit deff changed but maybe my mental drags the whole ordeal. Dude, What the happened….
I betrayed the one thing that stayed true to me my whole life. I betrayed you to another being beside myself. I regret that with all my life. I’m sorry. A lifetime of barriers to protect you and I put them down for someone. Now that I betrayed you, you want to leave me but I can’t lose you. Please just stay.
Today, I lost something important to me. I couldn’t bear sit in a classroom for one more period. I left. I Lost a friend near to my heart. I was right. I fucking hate when i’m right. I fucking hate life. I lost everything. I lost her.. I lost one of my closest friend. I’ve lost family. What is the point of continuing to live when you loose everything that’s important to you. I have nothing. I’m beginning to loose myself. I see no hope. I see no light to guide me. All I see is the end. Maybe its near. I want it to be. I’m tired of being alone. Hopefully god is real and I’ll be with him. Not alone. Nothing can change my mind set. It is what it is guess. The end is near…
These guys right here are my closest friends. We accept each other for who we are. We get each other. We are some real ass kids. But I have a gut feeling that we are slowly slipping away… I can’t loose these guys. They honestly mean the world for me. If I loose them then I lost everything I have in this world. I already lost her…………………………… I can’t afford to loose these people in my life. I can’t! But we can’t change the inevitable, can we….
I lay here in my bed and I ponder about life. Life and friends. Friends. Inevitable metaphor between the two. Pretty depressing..